It's a little after midnight. Your heart is pounding, the sheets are soaked with sweat, and the bedspread is kicked to the floor. As you shift to yet another position, your partner's eyes turn to you.
This ought to be a steamy sex scene, but it's not. This is what's replaced your sex life these days—tossing and turning instead of bumping and grinding. The big "O"? That's Oprah, right? Blame your work, the incessant carpools, the mountains of laundry, the endless meal preparations—all those unsexy things that make you and your partner feel more like innkeepers than lovers.
It's easy to get swept away by the rapids of your life instead of your passion. But if you care for each other and for yourself, you need to put a stop to whatever stopped the fun things you used to do in bed.
Here are 5 tips from the pros on how to get your sex life back on track—and better than ever:
1. Introduce some sexy talk.
Like most great ventures, great sex starts with a conversation. Just you and your partner, talking about your pent-up desires, crazy fantasies, and how you feel about your bodies.Um, right, you'd rather give a speech naked in the Vatican square. But getting past your feelings of awkwardness and sheer terror is worth the results.
"People don't want to talk about their needs because they think it's criticizing, but it's not," says Beverly Whipple, PhD, a certified sex counselor and president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality in Allentown, PA. "It's taking responsibility for yourself."
If your bedmate is working with obsolete data, it's your job to provide an update. Okay, so this can be tricky. You're yearning for change, but you don't want to criticize. That's where the right approach comes into play. If you keep a positive attitude, you'll spare your partner's feelings and still get the results you want.
"Talk about what you like rather than what you don't like," says Michele Weiner Davis, MSW, a marriage therapist in private practice in Woodstock, IL, and author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido. "Say 'I really like it when you give me little kisses on the lips' instead of 'I don't like sloppy, wet open-mouthed kisses.' " A surefire method is to catch your partner mid-act and coo, "Ooh, I really like that."
2. Lay it all out there.
Specifics are also essential. There's no universal dictionary for sexual terms such as making love, kinky sex, or fooling around—each has an endless list of potential definitions. Your idea of wild sex might include rose petals and massage oil, while your partner visualizes battery-operated sex toys and leather underwear.
Case in point: One frustrated wife turned to a therapist when her spouse didn't shift techniques after she asked him to make love rather than have sex. To him, both terms simply meant intercourse. But to her, sex was a quick sexual release, while making love included romantic whispers, soft hair stroking, keeping your eyes open, and prolonged cuddling in bed. And once she provided detailed instructions on her desires, her husband quickly got the picture.
If you're having serious sexual problems, however, the conversation will be more sensitive. You need to know when—and how—to approach your partner. "The worst time to talk about problems is when you're in bed, nude, lying down after a mediocre or bad experience," says Barry McCarthy, PhD, a certified sex therapist, professor of psychology at American University in Washington, DC, and coauthor (with his wife) of Rekindling Desire. "You may be making a good point, but the emotions are too raw. You're both too vulnerable." Instead, bring up touchy subjects in a less-threatening environment such as over breakfast, while going for a stroll, or after you've just finished dinner.
And remember: Spoken cues are not all that can fuel your sex life; nonverbal tip-offs also have their place. Many couples use openly understood signals that mean they want some action.
3. You have to educate yourself.
Clearly, the more you know about sex, the better you can put it into practice. So replace that bedside biography with some rapturous reading. Whether it's a self-help book, The Joy of Sex, or the Kama Sutra, most relationship guides provide step-by-step instructions (and detailed pictures) to bolster your sexual know-how.
If reading doesn't turn you on, don't worry. You no longer have to slink behind a video-store black curtain to get your hands on some reel sex tutorials. A plethora of adult movies—from educational tapes to pure erotica—is available online and shipped in discreet packages. Some couples take advantage of in-home pay-per-view options. All you need is a remote control and the wherewithal to scan spoof titles such as Bonfire of the Panties, The Little Spermaid, or For Your Thighs Only.
While racy books and movies showcase inventive moves, nothing is more educational than hands-on experience. Sensual contact is an Rx that McCarthy frequently prescribes. "Not all touch has to be predictable and lead to intercourse," he says. "Erotic non-intercourse touching can be just as exciting." He suggests scheduling private time for exploration sessions of soaping each other up in a bath, massaging each other's scalp and forehead, and rubbing the soles of each other's feet. There are no demands or preset expectations during this exercise, just simply pleasuring one another.
4. Don’t confuse fiction with reality.
While erotic movies can be a turn-on for some couples, the sexual images so pervasive in our culture often serve up an erroneous message. Racy sex scenes ring up box office sales, but they're unrealistic icons for everyday life."
In the movies, there's extramarital or premarital sex. It's never marital sex," says McCarthy. "It's intense and nonverbal, which is the wrong model for an ongoing relationship."While lingerie and stilettos work instantly for movie coitus, real-life sex takes more of an effort. In a world filled with physical, emotional, and financial obligations, you'll need creative thinking to make sex a priority.
Sara and Kevin White experienced this after the birth of their daughter. At the end of a stressful day, all Sara wanted was sleep. So when Kevin's workload was light, he stopped home during lunch. This mid-afternoon sex break took effort for both of them, but it kept their love life alive during a stressful period. Intimacy dates, such as this afternoon delight, is just what therapists prescribe for a lifetime of healthy sex.
"Desire is a decision," says Weiner Davis. "It's not just a feeling that washes over you. You have to decide to make time for it. There's no reason why anybody who wants more passion in their life can't make it happen."
5. Know when to seek help.
Almost every relationship hits sexual road bumps along the way, but if you or your partner are extremely unhappy or have ongoing physical difficulties, it's important to seek professional help. People will take a car in for a checkup immediately, but they won't do that with a relationship, says Janice Nadeau, PhD, a licensed marriage therapist in private practice in Minneapolis.
Here are some sex problems that may be too hot—or complicated—for you to handle:
- Hormonal swings during perimenopause and menopause that can lead to libido-sapping weight gain and moodiness. Changes in estrogen levels can also cause vaginal dryness and irritation. A doctor can detect hormonal changes, while over-the-counter water-based lubricants soothe soreness.
- Medical ailments such as diabetes, high blood pressure, and hardening of the arteries that can restrict your bloodflow to erogenous zones. Depression and anxiety also diminish desire.
- Medications such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressants (i.e. Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft) and blood pressure drugs that can trigger arousal and orgasm difficulties. If you have problems, ask your doctor about alternatives such as the antidepressant Wellbutrin.
- Female sexual pain, clinically called dyspareunia or vaginismus, that comes from a variety of sources such as less-elastic vaginal tissue, vaginal scarring, or endometriosis. See a gynecologist for treatment options.
- Oral contraceptives that dampen desire (though some may boost sexual drive by preserving spontaneity). If your libido is sagging, ask about switching pills.
- Fear of sexual failure, especially in the area of erectile dysfunction. The first step is a medical diagnosis and possible treatment; the next is to talk to a sex therapist about performance anxiety.
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